| a mother |
[Jan. 14th, 2011|10:25 pm] |
turn your back on me.
im not like you,
ive never had a family.
if i cry they are ugly tears
that no one has ever kissed.
a dead past that nobody misses.
always the mistress.
im so sick of "im so sorry for myself."
i know you are, so is everyone else.
grow up. because you had some one to raise you.
you didnt have to do it alone.
shut up and go home if youre lonely.
sometimes it makes me sick.
so i get it out.
so i dont have to say it out loud. |
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| read it if you want to read it. either way, these are my thoughts, mine. i dont want yours. |
[Dec. 13th, 2010|09:53 pm] |
Everyone has their limits
And in so many ways
Time after time
Everyone has tested mine
And I was fine,
Always fine
But there has to be some line that
You cant cross Someplace
that your dignity has a cut off point
and I havee seen your guts
looking all wrong
on your skin
with your insides out
and
smile
frown
wince
or pout
I have figured them out
Covered up your naked confidance
With
Quiet little words
Some like,
Certinty to counter
The absurd
And yes I know, you heard them
And yes
Louder words are what is heard
So I know that your fiddle
Brings the mice
They throw them selves at you
Like rice at a wedding
Like lovers to their bedding
Like a pill at a head ache
I get it
You should know
By the way that I am me
That if you think I can see you,
Then, yes, I can see
And I see you
And you seem to
Lap up your righteousness
Freely
And then, once again
There is me
And where are my crusaders?
Where are my uneducated haters?
They are back in fiction where they belong
They are every song I listen to
They are you
You feeling sorry for you,
Feeling sorry for me
They are a tree with fire for leaves
They are a gun with flowers for powder
Because that
Simply,
Cannot happen
Not by my family
Not by my friends
You’d like to make ammends?
Well, trends follow trends
And if the trend setters are lenders
Then the takers are beggers
And either way
im far past empty
And far over spent
I get what what you meant
You are so different
Don’t think im immune to it
Because we are all addicted
To love in any form
But some love brings you harm
And some love is farmed
And some love hangs like a picture
On your wall
And you remember it
And you regret it
And you are better for it
And that’s where my love will sit
And if you have changed
And I helped you change
Then I was a smart lender
To give to the right kind of needy
But once again,
What about me?
I just gave my leg to
The kid with a skinned knee?
That’s just it
You took it so easily
A lesson learned goes both ways
I like to think of it as a revolving door
You grew up
And I got hurt
And im still sure
That what is more important
Than breaking the door
And leaving my store open
Is that I am not frozen
Like I have been
Ice cold to my emotions
Because so many other things
Were so much more important
I feel myself
And I see myself
And I love that I give so much
And so many chances
But that means that I leave
So much room
From people to take advantage of me
And there is a freedom
And a peace
In only having me
And that is what I needed
And I am what I have
And this is what I see
I would choose anyone
Always and for ever over me
And im positive you can see it
And its really not my fault
If you wouldn’t receive it when I was ready
Because even if youre ready now
What about me? |
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| the short kiss good bye |
[Sep. 1st, 2010|03:27 am] |
i want to say
he lied
he lied
he lied
he is a constant stranger inside
the snake that bites the snake that ate the moon
an ice man!
half made of water you cant drink!
half made of some dream...
but i cant
i can think, he's mean, he's mean!
but who am kidding?
i still think i can feel my feelings better through my fingers
if maybe some stranger can loan me some meaning
if they read this on the internet and feel what im feeling
and i am twenty three...
i just want them to know that they knew me
you knew me!
and i want to know why it is a game
why you have to drag your sweet mud through my name
not the other way around, as much as that confuses me
as much as my use of you just uses me right up
im so simple now
not so
thoughtful not so proud
a little bit lost...
but to be honest, hey whose not?
i feel something dull behind my belly button
it drumming to my heart beat
its telling me to march march MARCH
but the sound is very soft
and hey lets face it, i was sharp
and im not about to say that the sun cant shine
and im sick of replacing your name with mine
because you lied
because you are mean
im going to find that flicker that used to burn
and i'll make you eat every word that ive heard... |
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| yum |
[Aug. 8th, 2009|12:28 am] |
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i love every different taste of the night time. some times its wine and some times its salt. at night skin tastes different. then morning tastes like lemons. my plan is to sleep from dawn to dusk. only for a month. then ill be an early bird again. |
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| WEIRD |
[Aug. 3rd, 2009|10:51 pm] |
i think i am going to go live in oragon. with my grandparents. with him too. and i think i will stay with them and maybe go to school and maybe save some money and we are going to take all kinds of pictures and make paintings. well, ill make some paintings. hot air balloons. that too.
im really excited. i am very frightened. |
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| somewhere freud is laughing at me |
[Jul. 31st, 2009|01:11 am] |
you could set your watch to my routine
i painted today
it feels like what i assume it would feel like to be a mother
i really needed to feel that today
now there is this, completed, little, shiny, emtpy object looking into my soul from the foot of my bed
and i am looking into its applied colors
creation
something i created
i made it for a friend who sleeps in my bed
through the fear of sounding boastful, i must say, it is very nice to look at
its pleasing
to see
my routine
when you feel like its the worst possible way,
make it look pretty
while you fall on your face
fall pretty
while you lose all your respect for people
judge them secretly through soft eyes
purse your lips when you want to tell the bad ones that they are the baddest you have known
because some people are very bad
i have gotten myself into the strangest of situations
i took the big step with a young man and i feel like im an organ doner in the termal ward bleeding to death and looking to see if the desire to care for another, to save someone, out weighs the totaly selfish compulions i have seen in every other young man
we are two very young, very hurt risk takers
and i know, i mean i KNOW know that nothing is forever
i like it that way
so it comes down to,
is this going to be more fun tan pain
i seriously hope so
this thing, our thing, it blossomed from absolutly nothing but attraction and then conviction when the attraction had a minor heart attack
i dont have the disabling ball of love for him, in my chest, that i had for the first one
but i can say for sure, for SURE sure
he is leaps and bounds better than the last "one"
if youd call im a "one"
(being that he is a zero to me id call him less than one.)
anyway
LEAPS AND BOUNDS
i think we'll stick around
this is the first time sinse, "him" that i have called someone boy friend
i like him
the end
ps
my best of the best, my loves my family that is made up of friends, they diserve only 10's... i dont think you'll be getting much out of them!
;) |
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| stomach paint |
[Jul. 30th, 2009|05:00 pm] |
when you wipe paint on your clothing it seeps through.
when you try your very hardest to be patient and trusting you look over your shoulder every two seconds.
life is calling.
no fuck that, im calling on life.
this is not a "new begennings," or a "sudden burst of reality," post.
im sick of being suspended between two lives.
a hot one and a cold one.
i refuse to chose so im going to love to live in comfort.
weather i cannot detect.
boy make girls happy, some times.
im a happy girl for ow and i need to remember that.
i like to laugh, so we do that. |
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| totally unfinished |
[May. 12th, 2009|03:33 pm] |
this a song i am working on. its really hard for me to write a song because im so used to writing poetry which doesnt have the set of rules that song writing has. i am open to and would fully appreciate any suggestions or thoughts.
*****
matching scars or symmetrical freckles come up in car conversations
or front porch honesty with its limitations
these things are social demonstrations
every tight spot i have not been stuck in was evaded by vocal lubrications
id rattle off more examples but there are just to many to name them
shame on them and shame on me for speaking freely only when i have been drinking
tisk tisk to my complicated free thinking
a mouth cant move when a heart a heart is sinking
time moves on with out me speaking, watching my friends through a beat im blinking
i substitute voice for writing because i swear i hear ink sing
no complex meaning like, apple seeds dont just grow apples, they grow apple trees
its simple like you cannot have fruit with out bees
my thoughts are pianos with no keys
mostly i am one solid note, i seldom seem to be a complicated symphony
id love to pour pollen on a sonnet but life's just not that easy
music may never bloom for me
*****
????? |
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| under the bridge |
[May. 11th, 2009|01:11 pm] |
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we have our band practice out side now. under the bridge. im really excited about everything, every time we jam something new and awesome happens. i am most excited about a dirty pirate sounding song. BUT while i was running away from a giant bug keith swung around and i ran into/ he hit me really hard with, the neck of his guitar. i have a bump. on my head. |
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| the books of this year (so far) |
[May. 7th, 2009|12:02 pm] |
i have been really lucky to happen upon some really fantastic reading this year.
the list goes like:
slaughter house five
cats cradle
sirens of titan
slapstick -all written by kurt vonnegut
(there are several more on my list of books written by vonnegut that i have yet to read because i need to take my time when reading them. he is dead and cannot write new novels.)
peaches- jodi lynn anderson
(it was actually a book for tweens and i didnt like it.)
the white tiger- aravind adiga
(this was the first novel adiga has written. it was amazing.)
i purchased,
the adventures of augie march- saul bellow
(i lost the book at a coffee shop so i have not finished it.)
someone who is frequently reading books at the coffee shop that i frequently read books at suggested that i read, east of eden- jonh steinbeck. im going to take a shower and go get the book. |
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