| yum |
[Aug. 8th, 2009|12:28 am] |
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i love every different taste of the night time. some times its wine and some times its salt. at night skin tastes different. then morning tastes like lemons. my plan is to sleep from dawn to dusk. only for a month. then ill be an early bird again. |
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| WEIRD |
[Aug. 3rd, 2009|10:51 pm] |
i think i am going to go live in oragon. with my grandparents. with him too. and i think i will stay with them and maybe go to school and maybe save some money and we are going to take all kinds of pictures and make paintings. well, ill make some paintings. hot air balloons. that too.
im really excited. i am very frightened. |
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| somewhere freud is laughing at me |
[Jul. 31st, 2009|01:11 am] |
you could set your watch to my routine
i painted today
it feels like what i assume it would feel like to be a mother
i really needed to feel that today
now there is this, completed, little, shiny, emtpy object looking into my soul from the foot of my bed
and i am looking into its applied colors
creation
something i created
i made it for a friend who sleeps in my bed
through the fear of sounding boastful, i must say, it is very nice to look at
its pleasing
to see
my routine
when you feel like its the worst possible way,
make it look pretty
while you fall on your face
fall pretty
while you lose all your respect for people
judge them secretly through soft eyes
purse your lips when you want to tell the bad ones that they are the baddest you have known
because some people are very bad
i have gotten myself into the strangest of situations
i took the big step with a young man and i feel like im an organ doner in the termal ward bleeding to death and looking to see if the desire to care for another, to save someone, out weighs the totaly selfish compulions i have seen in every other young man
we are two very young, very hurt risk takers
and i know, i mean i KNOW know that nothing is forever
i like it that way
so it comes down to,
is this going to be more fun tan pain
i seriously hope so
this thing, our thing, it blossomed from absolutly nothing but attraction and then conviction when the attraction had a minor heart attack
i dont have the disabling ball of love for him, in my chest, that i had for the first one
but i can say for sure, for SURE sure
he is leaps and bounds better than the last "one"
if youd call im a "one"
(being that he is a zero to me id call him less than one.)
anyway
LEAPS AND BOUNDS
i think we'll stick around
this is the first time sinse, "him" that i have called someone boy friend
i like him
the end
ps
my best of the best, my loves my family that is made up of friends, they diserve only 10's... i dont think you'll be getting much out of them!
;) |
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| stomach paint |
[Jul. 30th, 2009|05:00 pm] |
when you wipe paint on your clothing it seeps through.
when you try your very hardest to be patient and trusting you look over your shoulder every two seconds.
life is calling.
no fuck that, im calling on life.
this is not a "new begennings," or a "sudden burst of reality," post.
im sick of being suspended between two lives.
a hot one and a cold one.
i refuse to chose so im going to love to live in comfort.
weather i cannot detect.
boy make girls happy, some times.
im a happy girl for ow and i need to remember that.
i like to laugh, so we do that. |
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| totally unfinished |
[May. 12th, 2009|03:33 pm] |
this a song i am working on. its really hard for me to write a song because im so used to writing poetry which doesnt have the set of rules that song writing has. i am open to and would fully appreciate any suggestions or thoughts.
*****
matching scars or symmetrical freckles come up in car conversations
or front porch honesty with its limitations
these things are social demonstrations
every tight spot i have not been stuck in was evaded by vocal lubrications
id rattle off more examples but there are just to many to name them
shame on them and shame on me for speaking freely only when i have been drinking
tisk tisk to my complicated free thinking
a mouth cant move when a heart a heart is sinking
time moves on with out me speaking, watching my friends through a beat im blinking
i substitute voice for writing because i swear i hear ink sing
no complex meaning like, apple seeds dont just grow apples, they grow apple trees
its simple like you cannot have fruit with out bees
my thoughts are pianos with no keys
mostly i am one solid note, i seldom seem to be a complicated symphony
id love to pour pollen on a sonnet but life's just not that easy
music may never bloom for me
*****
????? |
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| under the bridge |
[May. 11th, 2009|01:11 pm] |
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we have our band practice out side now. under the bridge. im really excited about everything, every time we jam something new and awesome happens. i am most excited about a dirty pirate sounding song. BUT while i was running away from a giant bug keith swung around and i ran into/ he hit me really hard with, the neck of his guitar. i have a bump. on my head. |
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| the books of this year (so far) |
[May. 7th, 2009|12:02 pm] |
i have been really lucky to happen upon some really fantastic reading this year.
the list goes like:
slaughter house five
cats cradle
sirens of titan
slapstick -all written by kurt vonnegut
(there are several more on my list of books written by vonnegut that i have yet to read because i need to take my time when reading them. he is dead and cannot write new novels.)
peaches- jodi lynn anderson
(it was actually a book for tweens and i didnt like it.)
the white tiger- aravind adiga
(this was the first novel adiga has written. it was amazing.)
i purchased,
the adventures of augie march- saul bellow
(i lost the book at a coffee shop so i have not finished it.)
someone who is frequently reading books at the coffee shop that i frequently read books at suggested that i read, east of eden- jonh steinbeck. im going to take a shower and go get the book. |
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| may 18th 2009 |
[May. 7th, 2009|11:17 am] |
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john vanderslice is playing a free show at amoeba records in the city. rosa and i are going up early in the day and then going to the show. im holding my breath. |
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| sleep all day. stay up all night. |
[May. 4th, 2009|11:55 am] |
my hair looks so black at night
pitch black, pure black
there is a dark frame around my face and shoulders
there is a smoldering grid at the cross streets of where my heart last lived
it is an orange tinted memory of your red hair, your thinning hair
bright desert lightening storm, i was there and you were there
that grid city is a sand storm burned into my memory permanently
dry heat, love and loss, growing up infirmary
there are dark little letters in front of my framed by clean white page
i am turning it dark
i smoke and drink and it is by all means going to kill me someday
but i do it anyway because i am affected only by the current moment
the things that terrify me have nothing to do with dying
poisoning myself slowly, no the things that paralyze me are what people might say
if the direction i move in doesn't go their way
the looks on their faces
traced out in my mind like the beginnings of a bad dream
that you feet wake you up from by jumping rapidly in the covers
i am petrified of new lovers because they are just others
because one time there was just one
because it meant something to me before they turned into numbers that i mourn when im drunk
smoking a cigarette and confiding in a friend that there is no happy ending,
just many men
drinking and breathing poison, only knowing this moment, terrified of boredom
if you ask me why there are so many when it used to just be him
i'll tell you what ive always said...
i just cant say no to them
so i constantly serve time for a crime i did not commit
but i always pay my rent on time
and open doors for strangers and smile wide, just because
a smile
begets
a smile
knowing all the while hat a smile doesn't mean shit when there isn't a catalyst for it
i am not a sap for tacky movie bullshit, love is like a cactus
you get fucked up trying to drink water from it in order to just live
we are a bunch of young people wasting our lives to get old
getting older
one day we will be old people
getting older
wasting our lives trying to remember what it was like to be young
to feel fucked up but still have fun, instead of just feeling fucked up
we love to waste, it is bred into our generation
so do we actually start living? |
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| it my not be anything |
[May. 1st, 2009|11:55 am] |
some boys and i got together.
we are going to try and make music, i say try because im totally new at this and im ready to fail if thats the way the song plays out. i wrote a song...
we'll see. |
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| fucking mess |
[Apr. 16th, 2009|07:21 pm] |
im a huge mess dressed up in clean skin
if i split it with a kitchen knife you would have to look away
you would see dead, green decay
you would see hay and small brush fires
half of a half of a half of a soul
you would see a four year old girl in a cage that her past trapped her in
thank god for deceitful skin
fuck this mess
fuck trust and the stress that comes with unrelenting love
fuck depression
fuck my stupid decisions
stab me in the heart |
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| high five. its still alive. |
[Apr. 6th, 2009|07:52 pm] |
im in a constant tangle. all tied up.
the web i weave is sticking to me.
i have been writing things and not reading them to anyone and not posting them anywhere.
i cant cry again. i went into that place in my head, that dead empty space that has no emotions. the tears stopped coming. im in some kind of post crisis, pre-progress limbo. im almost never home and i am glad that it is so. living on my own is lonely. i have had a lot of sleep overs.
i have not even been there for an entire month.
i want to act. i want to be in a play. thats all i want to do. |
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| nerves |
[Mar. 31st, 2009|03:43 pm] |
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the last time i sang in front of people i didnt know i was a freshman. and in choir. and in apache junction arizona. i think i might wimp out. |
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| my blood |
[Mar. 18th, 2009|04:28 pm] |
im so low in iron in my blood that i can hardly move.
im so low in my mental capacity that im glad i am not moving.
im happy, though.
its the most peculiar thing.
i changed so much in these last few months, i dont know myself any more.
i have never gone through such a huge change before.
i have been writing a lot about it.
maybe ill post it later. |
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| golly |
[Mar. 11th, 2009|01:51 am] |
i hate the week before a bunch of stuff is going to happen. im going to name my dog Winston Niles Rumfoord. eventually i will get him a kitten. and name it kazak. haha
i dont like chaos but at least im not bored. or drunk.
all right. |
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| for real |
[Mar. 9th, 2009|07:10 pm] |
in real life, honestly, i saw an old man is an old style lime green truck, driving with a lime green parrot on his shoulder. a live parrot. hahahaha
sometimes life is awesome.
my date is on wednesday. i dont know how to date, let alone date someone a decant amount older than me. what do i talk about? the economy?
its soooooo cool when you realize that you are probably immature. |
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| everything at once |
[Mar. 9th, 2009|02:25 am] |
my LA visit was really great.
im still moving there, its just going to take a little time.
i found a room to rent that i really like.
i am adopting a dog from my sisters roomate.
... i chickened out on my date, so im going to set up a new one tomorrow.
a lot is happeneing. a lot of it is not good.
i feel right and wrong. and strange...
but im honestly happy.
for the first time in a while i feel content on my own.
satisfied to be alone.
wonder con would have been a lot cooler if i wasnt packed like a theme park and filled with weirdo nerds who just want to find the living version of sailor moon. come on.
i got some pretty wicked wolverine comics. like i said, im happy.
: )
some how in the last two weeks i have gotten worse at playing pool. which is hard to do because i already sucked.
parctice!
im pretty confused and generally at a lost but its all very fun. im happy. |
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| tick tick tick; snip sinp snip; stitch, stitch, stitch |
[Mar. 5th, 2009|08:36 pm] |
i had a full week.
my hair is shorter, like i have been saying it would be, but had not been exicuting. i have a date this weekend and im very excited about the fun of it, im just terribly nervous because i am the trasher of any form of dating. i may not go, only because it would be such a good thing that i feel even the little tiniest bit of old natalie habbits could burst.
hold my breath.
cross my fingers.
i JUST need a little bit of fun. thats not too much to ask for.
im so full of new and exciting that i dont think id do justice to write it out here, now.
if you want to catch up, give me a call.
i love you friends. |
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| what do i do? |
[Feb. 23rd, 2009|03:51 am] |
first i have to wake up early. and with doubts because tomorrow my job and my hobbie may conflict... we'll manage.
always do.
busy busy busy
(bokonism)
bokonism?
didnt know what to say.
i have plans.
real plans.
im going to do things i have always wanted to.
i am honestly going to have fun and make progress while not having to worry. who could ask for more?
i know the love i have. i can see and feel the love that is near me. not fake. not love due. just what is. i am so happy for it. it is unconventional. it is beautiful.
i think i'll write a book. because i can.
because i have enough reasons.
this is the first time, maybe ever, i have no shame.
happy happy.
natalie |
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| yikes. gulp. |
[Feb. 19th, 2009|06:23 pm] |
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everything around me just went off. i dont understand what anyone is saying anymore. |
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