| a mother |
[Jan. 14th, 2011|10:25 pm] |
turn your back on me. im not like you, ive never had a family. if i cry they are ugly tears that no one has ever kissed. a dead past that nobody misses. always the mistress. im so sick of "im so sorry for myself." i know you are, so is everyone else.
grow up. because you had some one to raise you. you didnt have to do it alone. shut up and go home if youre lonely.
sometimes it makes me sick. so i get it out. so i dont have to say it out loud. |
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| read it if you want to read it. either way, these are my thoughts, mine. i dont want yours. |
[Dec. 13th, 2010|09:53 pm] |
Everyone has their limits And in so many ways Time after time Everyone has tested mine And I was fine, Always fine But there has to be some line that You cant cross Someplace that your dignity has a cut off point and I havee seen your guts looking all wrong on your skin with your insides out and smile frown wince or pout I have figured them out Covered up your naked confidance With Quiet little words Some like, Certinty to counter The absurd And yes I know, you heard them
And yes Louder words are what is heard So I know that your fiddle Brings the mice They throw them selves at you Like rice at a wedding Like lovers to their bedding Like a pill at a head ache I get it You should know By the way that I am me That if you think I can see you, Then, yes, I can see And I see you And you seem to Lap up your righteousness Freely And then, once again There is me And where are my crusaders? Where are my uneducated haters? They are back in fiction where they belong They are every song I listen to They are you You feeling sorry for you, Feeling sorry for me They are a tree with fire for leaves They are a gun with flowers for powder Because that Simply, Cannot happen Not by my family Not by my friends You’d like to make ammends? Well, trends follow trends And if the trend setters are lenders Then the takers are beggers And either way im far past empty And far over spent I get what what you meant You are so different Don’t think im immune to it Because we are all addicted To love in any form But some love brings you harm And some love is farmed And some love hangs like a picture On your wall And you remember it And you regret it And you are better for it And that’s where my love will sit And if you have changed And I helped you change Then I was a smart lender To give to the right kind of needy But once again, What about me? I just gave my leg to The kid with a skinned knee? That’s just it You took it so easily A lesson learned goes both ways I like to think of it as a revolving door You grew up And I got hurt And im still sure That what is more important Than breaking the door And leaving my store open Is that I am not frozen Like I have been Ice cold to my emotions Because so many other things Were so much more important I feel myself And I see myself And I love that I give so much And so many chances But that means that I leave So much room From people to take advantage of me And there is a freedom And a peace In only having me And that is what I needed And I am what I have And this is what I see I would choose anyone Always and for ever over me And im positive you can see it And its really not my fault If you wouldn’t receive it when I was ready Because even if youre ready now What about me? |
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| the short kiss good bye |
[Sep. 1st, 2010|03:27 am] |
i want to say he lied he lied he lied he is a constant stranger inside the snake that bites the snake that ate the moon an ice man! half made of water you cant drink! half made of some dream... but i cant i can think, he's mean, he's mean! but who am kidding? i still think i can feel my feelings better through my fingers if maybe some stranger can loan me some meaning if they read this on the internet and feel what im feeling and i am twenty three... i just want them to know that they knew me you knew me! and i want to know why it is a game why you have to drag your sweet mud through my name not the other way around, as much as that confuses me as much as my use of you just uses me right up im so simple now not so thoughtful not so proud a little bit lost... but to be honest, hey whose not? i feel something dull behind my belly button it drumming to my heart beat its telling me to march march MARCH but the sound is very soft and hey lets face it, i was sharp and im not about to say that the sun cant shine and im sick of replacing your name with mine because you lied because you are mean im going to find that flicker that used to burn and i'll make you eat every word that ive heard... |
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| yum |
[Aug. 8th, 2009|12:28 am] |
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i love every different taste of the night time. some times its wine and some times its salt. at night skin tastes different. then morning tastes like lemons. my plan is to sleep from dawn to dusk. only for a month. then ill be an early bird again. |
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| WEIRD |
[Aug. 3rd, 2009|10:51 pm] |
i think i am going to go live in oragon. with my grandparents. with him too. and i think i will stay with them and maybe go to school and maybe save some money and we are going to take all kinds of pictures and make paintings. well, ill make some paintings. hot air balloons. that too. im really excited. i am very frightened. |
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| somewhere freud is laughing at me |
[Jul. 31st, 2009|01:11 am] |
you could set your watch to my routine i painted today it feels like what i assume it would feel like to be a mother i really needed to feel that today now there is this, completed, little, shiny, emtpy object looking into my soul from the foot of my bed and i am looking into its applied colors creation something i created i made it for a friend who sleeps in my bed through the fear of sounding boastful, i must say, it is very nice to look at its pleasing to see my routine when you feel like its the worst possible way, make it look pretty while you fall on your face fall pretty while you lose all your respect for people judge them secretly through soft eyes purse your lips when you want to tell the bad ones that they are the baddest you have known because some people are very bad
i have gotten myself into the strangest of situations i took the big step with a young man and i feel like im an organ doner in the termal ward bleeding to death and looking to see if the desire to care for another, to save someone, out weighs the totaly selfish compulions i have seen in every other young man we are two very young, very hurt risk takers and i know, i mean i KNOW know that nothing is forever i like it that way so it comes down to, is this going to be more fun tan pain i seriously hope so this thing, our thing, it blossomed from absolutly nothing but attraction and then conviction when the attraction had a minor heart attack i dont have the disabling ball of love for him, in my chest, that i had for the first one but i can say for sure, for SURE sure he is leaps and bounds better than the last "one" if youd call im a "one" (being that he is a zero to me id call him less than one.) anyway LEAPS AND BOUNDS i think we'll stick around this is the first time sinse, "him" that i have called someone boy friend i like him the end
ps my best of the best, my loves my family that is made up of friends, they diserve only 10's... i dont think you'll be getting much out of them! ;) |
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| stomach paint |
[Jul. 30th, 2009|05:00 pm] |
when you wipe paint on your clothing it seeps through. when you try your very hardest to be patient and trusting you look over your shoulder every two seconds. life is calling. no fuck that, im calling on life. this is not a "new begennings," or a "sudden burst of reality," post. im sick of being suspended between two lives. a hot one and a cold one. i refuse to chose so im going to love to live in comfort. weather i cannot detect. boy make girls happy, some times. im a happy girl for ow and i need to remember that. i like to laugh, so we do that. |
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| totally unfinished |
[May. 12th, 2009|03:33 pm] |
this a song i am working on. its really hard for me to write a song because im so used to writing poetry which doesnt have the set of rules that song writing has. i am open to and would fully appreciate any suggestions or thoughts. ***** matching scars or symmetrical freckles come up in car conversations or front porch honesty with its limitations these things are social demonstrations every tight spot i have not been stuck in was evaded by vocal lubrications id rattle off more examples but there are just to many to name them shame on them and shame on me for speaking freely only when i have been drinking tisk tisk to my complicated free thinking a mouth cant move when a heart a heart is sinking time moves on with out me speaking, watching my friends through a beat im blinking i substitute voice for writing because i swear i hear ink sing no complex meaning like, apple seeds dont just grow apples, they grow apple trees its simple like you cannot have fruit with out bees my thoughts are pianos with no keys mostly i am one solid note, i seldom seem to be a complicated symphony id love to pour pollen on a sonnet but life's just not that easy music may never bloom for me ***** ????? |
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| under the bridge |
[May. 11th, 2009|01:11 pm] |
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we have our band practice out side now. under the bridge. im really excited about everything, every time we jam something new and awesome happens. i am most excited about a dirty pirate sounding song. BUT while i was running away from a giant bug keith swung around and i ran into/ he hit me really hard with, the neck of his guitar. i have a bump. on my head. |
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| the books of this year (so far) |
[May. 7th, 2009|12:02 pm] |
i have been really lucky to happen upon some really fantastic reading this year. the list goes like: slaughter house five cats cradle sirens of titan slapstick -all written by kurt vonnegut (there are several more on my list of books written by vonnegut that i have yet to read because i need to take my time when reading them. he is dead and cannot write new novels.)
peaches- jodi lynn anderson (it was actually a book for tweens and i didnt like it.)
the white tiger- aravind adiga (this was the first novel adiga has written. it was amazing.)
i purchased, the adventures of augie march- saul bellow (i lost the book at a coffee shop so i have not finished it.)
someone who is frequently reading books at the coffee shop that i frequently read books at suggested that i read, east of eden- jonh steinbeck. im going to take a shower and go get the book. |
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